Behind the smile, she’s not ok.

Most of my life I have struggled with mental health, I’d like to think I have it under control but every now and then I give in to the negativity in my head.

I have always suffered with social anxiety and depression, the people who don’t really know me find it hard to believe as I’ve learnt to hide it so well.

Things I struggle with;

– making phone calls

– attending social events

– travelling

– starting conversations

– crowded areas

And that’s just a handful of them, when I turned seventeen I decided to create a new “Abi” to hide behind, she was confident and positive, I nicknamed her Ruby so when I had to leave the house I put this mask on and pretended to be Ruby but inside I was shaking, incredibly sick and my mind was racing.

“Why is that person looking, is this outfit ok?”

“I look huge in this dress, this was a mistake”

“Those two girls are laughing at me”

“I’m annoying them”

“I want to talk to xxx, but they don’t to be bothered by me”

“I need help but I have no one”

“Why is this person sitting next to me, do I smell? Omg they probably think i haven’t washed”

“I’ve not heard from xxx in a while, they hate me”

“I’m going to die a spinster, I’m too ugly and annoying”

“He left me because I’m fat”

“They abandoned me as I’m not good enough, they deserve some one so much better”

My mind is my very worst enemy and it takes so much of my energy to try and squash the thoughts and push myself to stay positive and be happy, and most of the time I do but every now and then, like last night, I break and the negativity and depression absolutely consumes me.

There’s very few people I call friends and I struggle to talk to my own family, when I do they just push the question “why” when there is no reason, I am this way and I can’t control how I feel.

“You need to see a doctor”

Been there, done that, got the happy pills and gained weight as if I lived on a diet of pure sugar and McDonald’s, and nothing else, so eventually I wasn’t so happy on the pills and took myself off of them and I refuse to go back.

Everyday I have to take myself through the same mantra;

“I am good enough”

“I am a beautiful person”

“I am a kind person”

“You do not deserve to be treated like shit”

“Good things happen because you work hard for them”

“Only person in control of your happiness is you”

“Live for today and avoid the what if’s”

When I relapse I do struggle to climb back out of that black hole but that’s where my blog saves me, it gives my mind an escape, the writing and the engagement of instagram, i love it all and it has honestly saved me from a few stupid thoughts.

We all suffer from mental health at some stage in our lives and awareness is great but I believe there needs to be more education regarding it so people can understand how to approach and handle mental health in a positive manner rather than

“She looks ok”

“She’s always smiling”

“She doesn’t look ill”

“Attention seeking at it’s finest”

We all need someone during the dark moods to take the negativity and find the positives to remind us life is not all doom and gloom and if we don’t like something it is down to us to change it.

If you know someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, drop them a text every now and then to see how they are or invite them for coffee, that little hello or just that 5 minutes of your time can make a world of difference.

2 thoughts

  1. Honest words at their best… nothing more true than the misunderstanding of depression and anxiety! Amazing to think our own worst enemy is ourselves… you’re not alone xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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